Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship: Toxic Traits and Gaslighting Examples

01Healthy

What a healthy relationship looks like

• Mutual respect and kindness.
• Honesty and trust.
• Feeling safe to express opinions and feelings.
• Freedom to see friends and family and have your own interests.
• Disagreements handled without insults, threats or fear.
• Shared decision-making and fairness.
• Support for each other’s goals and wellbeing.

02Signs

Signs of an unhealthy relationship

• Frequent criticism, mocking or belittling.
• Contempt: eye-rolling, sarcasm, insults.
• Constant arguments that never get resolved.
• Feeling you have to walk on eggshells.
• Jealousy and possessiveness.
• Dishonesty, secrecy or broken promises.
• One person always making the decisions.
• Stonewalling or the silent treatment as punishment.
• Feeling worse about yourself since the relationship began.

03Toxic

Common toxic traits

• Blame-shifting: never taking responsibility.
• Controlling behaviour: checking your phone, dictating what you wear or who you see.
• Manipulation: guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail.
• Keeping score and using past mistakes as weapons.
• Disrespecting boundaries.
• Love-bombing followed by withdrawal, creating cycles of intense affection and rejection.
• Threats to leave, harm themselves or harm you as a way to control.

04Research

What relationship research shows

A long-term study of married couples found that patterns of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling during conflict predicted earlier divorce, while a lack of positive emotion predicted later divorce. Contempt, treating a partner as inferior, was considered particularly damaging. These findings show that how couples handle conflict matters more than whether they argue.

05Gaslighting

Gaslighting examples in relationships

• “That never happened. You’re making it up.”
• “You’re too sensitive; I was only joking.”
• “You’re imagining things again.”
• “Everyone agrees you overreact.”
• “You have a terrible memory.”
• Moving or hiding items, then denying it.
• Denying promises or conversations that you clearly remember.
• Over time, the person may doubt their own judgment and rely on the partner’s version of reality.

06Power

Gaslighting and power

A sociological analysis of gaslighting described it as a form of manipulation that is effective when it draws on social inequalities, such as gender stereotypes about women being “irrational” or “hysterical”, or other vulnerabilities like immigration status or financial dependence. It is often part of a wider pattern of coercive control. Recognising it as a tactic, not a reflection of your sanity, is an important step.

07Abuse

When unhealthy becomes abusive

• Physical violence or threats of violence.
• Sexual coercion or assault.
• Isolation from friends, family or work.
• Monitoring your phone, location or messages.
• Controlling money or access to resources.
• Threats to children, pets or to share private images.
• Coercive control, which is a criminal offence in some countries, including England and Wales.
• The NHS provides information on getting help for domestic violence and abuse.

08Effects

How unhealthy relationships affect you

Living with constant criticism or control can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, sleep problems and physical symptoms. Some people develop strong emotional bonds with an abusive partner through cycles of harm and affection, sometimes called trauma bonding; see trauma bonding. Others adapt by constantly pleasing the partner to avoid conflict, a pattern described in the fawn response.

09Next

What you can do

• Talk to someone you trust about what is happening.
• Write down incidents with dates if you are confused about what happened.
• Set clear boundaries and notice how your partner responds.
• Consider couples therapy only if there is no abuse; in abusive relationships it can be unsafe.
• Seek individual therapy to rebuild confidence.
• Contact domestic abuse services for advice and safety planning.
• Make a safety plan if you are considering leaving an abusive partner.

10Self

Rebuilding after an unhealthy relationship

Recovery takes time. Reconnecting with friends and family, returning to hobbies, therapy and self-compassion help rebuild self-worth. It is common to feel grief, confusion or self-blame. Patterns in relationships can be explored with a therapist to support healthier choices in future. Building self-esteem is covered in low self-esteem.

11Friends

If you are worried about a friend

• Listen without judging or pressuring them to leave.
• Tell them what you have noticed and that you care.
• Believe them and avoid blaming them.
• Help them find information about support services.
• Stay in touch, even if they withdraw; isolation is common.
• Call emergency services if you think they are in immediate danger.

12Digital

Unhealthy behaviour online and by phone

• Demanding passwords or constant access to your phone.
• Tracking your location without agreement.
• Expecting instant replies and getting angry if you do not respond.
• Posting or threatening to share private photos or information.
• Checking your messages or social media behind your back.

13Summary

Key points to remember

• Healthy relationships are built on respect, trust and safety.
• Contempt, control and constant criticism are warning signs.
• Gaslighting makes you doubt your own reality.
• Abuse is never your fault, and help is available.